Dumpty: The Age of Trump in Verse Read online

Sparkin’ Putin’s foul intrusion

  Past all reason.

  Subornin’ unabashed collusion

  Toyed wi’ treason.

  When Dumpty won, his skeevy past

  Wa’ boldly brought to light at last.

  Each citizen wa’ struck aghast

  At thy complicity—

  A shameful end, sae cruel and fast,

  To thy felicity.

  What punishment’s as sharp as thine!

  In prison clept, a hefty fine,

  A brutal truth doth thee define,

  Naught can belie:

  The best laid plans o’ rats and swine

  Gang oft awry.

  And yet, good rat, thy fate’s a boon.

  Three years in lockup endeth soon.

  Thy hearings Dumpty did impugn,

  Exposing all.

  Thou ratted out a vile tycoon

  And sped his fall!

  MICHAEL COHEN was the personal lawyer for Donald Trump from 2006 until May 2018. He was sentenced to three years in prison in December 2018 for violating campaign finance laws and for committing fraud and perjury .

  RANK-A-DANK-DANK

  Rank-a-dank-dank,

  Six men on a tank:

  Rodrigo Duterte, Xi, Kim;

  Jair Bolsonaro,

  Mohammed bin Salman,

  And Putin! Let’s not forget him!

  Their corrupt despotism

  And shared barbarism

  Are an ominous sign of our times.

  They’re perfect for doggerel

  On themes demagoguerel,

  Though hardly for lighthearted rhymes.

  Their tyrannical acts

  Include scuttling pacts

  And peddling disinformation.

  Plus they cruelly repress

  Human rights and the press

  By dabbling in assassination.

  One fact that explains

  Their bloodthirsty reigns

  And the laws that they all circumvent

  Is the loud validation,

  Indeed exhortation,

  Thrown out by our lout president.

  But where is Dumpty, then,

  ’Midst these dastardly men?

  He’s there, but he’s hidden inside.

  Though at driving a tank

  His skills are a blank,

  He’s taking them all for a ride.

  Rank-a-dank-dank,

  Six men on a tank,

  Xi, Putin, and Kim to be sure;

  Duterte, bin Salman,

  Jair Bolsonaro,

  And Dumpty, their hired chauffeur.

  VLADIMIR PUTIN (Russia) , RODRIGO DUTERTE (Philippines) , XI JINPING (China) , JAIR BOLSONARO (Brazil) , MOHAMMED BIN SALMAN (Saudi Arabia), and KIM JONG-UN (North Korea) are known for their authoritarian rules and questionable human rights records. At various times, Donald Trump has been complimentary of each of them .

  AFTERWORD

  The Report was at hand and Dumpty was manic,

  Awash in a flood of distemper and panic.

  At lush Mar-a-Lago, his Florida lair,

  He braced for Bob Mueller, his ruthless Javert.

  His heart skipped a beat when from distant D.C.

  Came a call from Bill Barr, his conniving AG.

  Dumpty lurched from his bed with a guttural groan

  And with trembling fingers he picked up the phone.

  “Great news!” Barr exclaimed. “We’re home free! It’s a wash!

  The Report’s a big nothing that’s easy to quash!”

  Thus began Barr’s campaign to covertly impede it

  Since he, only he, was permitted to read it.

  In fact, he just gave it a cursory glance

  But that hadn’t thwarted his victory dance,

  Nor forestalled his appalling misrepresentation

  Proclaiming the POTUS’s exoneration.

  Dumpty shouted in triumph and leaped up elated.

  Though blatantly guilty, he’d flagrantly skated.

  But with Dumpty, elation takes curious forms,

  He savages critics and ravages norms.

  At such times he’ll revert to his usual penchants:

  Anger, malevolence, hatred, and vengeance.

  So grabbing the throttle in both tiny hands,

  He feverishly plotted his upcoming plans.

  He’d suspend lots of rights to assert law and order;

  Split up more families and shut down the border;

  Stiff a few nations we’ve helped heretofore—

  Guatemala, Honduras, and El Salvador;

  Lean on producers to blackball his foes;

  Cut climate protections to ghastly new lows;

  Give Putin a pass on campaign interference

  And get his best caddie security clearance.

  If all of this fills you with shock and surprise,

  Wake up, smell the coffee, and open your eyes.

  He’s done most of these things and a hundred things more,

  And God only knows what he still has in store.

  Sure, Dumpty’s a foolhardy figure of fun,

  But laugh at your peril: there’s work to be done.

  Democracy’s frail but our spirit is firm:

  Restrict Trumpty Dumpty to only one term.

  ROBERT S. MUELLER was appointed as the special counsel for the Department of Justice to oversee the investigation of Russian interference during the 2016 U.S. presidential election .

  WILLIAM BARR was appointed as the U.S. attorney general in February 2019. His handling of special counsel Robert Mueller’s report on the Russia investigation faced great scrutiny after the Democratic Party accused Barr of misleading the public in his testimony to Congress .

  photo credit: Robert Zuckerman

  JOHN LITHGOW is a prolific actor with two Tonys, six Emmys, two Golden Globes, and two Oscar nominations to his name. He hasstarred in the hit TV series 3rd Rock from the Sun, Dexter , and The Crown , and in beloved films like The World According to Garp, Shrek , and Terms of Endearment . Lithgow has appeared on Broadway twenty-five times and in England with both the Royal Shakespeare Company and the National Theatre. He is also the bestselling author of nine children’s picture books, and his recordings for kids have landed him four Grammy nominations.

  www.JohnLithgow.com

  Twitter: @JohnLithgow

  Facebook: @OfficiallyJohnLithgow